I don't belong in this Family! 

Judges 11:1-3 Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty man of valour, and he was the son of an harlot: and Gilead begat Jephthah.

2 And Gilead's wife bare him sons; and his wife's sons grew up, and they thrust out Jephthah, and said unto him, Thou shalt not inherit in our father's house; for thou art the son of a strange woman.

3 Then Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob: and there were gathered vain men to Jephthah, and went out with him.

I have been contemplating all week on wither or not to write this blog.You know when you don't belong somewhere. People make it well clear that they don't want you around. Joseph brother did the same to him they made it clear that he wasn't wanted they sold him off to slavery! I know what its like to be let known that I am not wanted. Half my life I wont let people in because I refuse to let someone make me feel like they want me around when they really don't only pretending. I have always felt like an unwanted baby, an unwanted child, an unwanted teen, an if it wasnt for my ministry well there would be no need for me. I have never felt like I was ever really wanted a few weeks ago the one person I actually thought wanted me let me know i was far not cared about. It came right after a prayer to know the truth on how people felt about me. Where do you belong when your born into a place where your just not wanted? Even the people who call you family don't want you. People can say that is far from true how can a family not want you. WELL ASK JOSEPH AS HE WAS SOLD OFF TO SLAVERY. Joseph father wanted him but even if Joseph would have never stayed his brothers would have kept making him feel as if he didn't belong here. As for me I don't belong here, I never did!

Making your own family! 

Judges 11:3 Then Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob: and there were gathered vain men to Jephthah, and went out with him.

You know I have met many of people who have joined gangs because of the feeling of needing a place to feel a type of brotherhood or sisterhood or feel as if they belonged. Even joined frats or sororities. Just to feel that sense of belonging somewhere. For me I choose to sleep around just to feel that place of belonging. We all need a place to feel like we belong a place that makes us feel like we have a home. A safe place. I actually can't wait to move I don't care if I live alone for the rest of my life, and have to work 10 jobs to stay stable. As long as I have a place to feel like I belong and feel safe. Its crazy how people who weren't even his family took him in better then his own family. It doesnt matter if the people aren't good for you or if they are good for you having a place to feel safe or like u belong is great. When I first left to follow Jesus I use to sleep on my girls couch to avoid my own home. Growing up I made he home my home even called her mother Ma because I needed a place to feel like I had a home! Now I go to work and stay in my room. I am safe but it's far from home or far from what I picture a home being!

Just a place to feel Safe

Joshua 6:1 Now Jericho was straitly shut up because of the children of Israel: none went out, and none came in.

About a over a year ago a friend of mine I was living with kicked me out. That night i spazed out yes I have issues like everyone else. Yet I lost my top because It triggered something in me from the time I got kicked out at the age of 13 leaving me to live with my grandmother. I thought maybe oneday my friend would come back for me tell me everything would be okay but they never understood how that event took a major toll on my life being kicked out at 13 changed my life forever. My mother never came back for me after sending me to my dads then having to live with my gma after that I went from jail to jail group home to group home. I just thought I had finally found a place of safety where I could let down my walls. The fear of marriage haunts me because what if oneday my husband leaves me and kicks me out and I don't have a place to feel safe. Do I keep a fund of money just in case? Do I not have kids just to not be a single mom? I understand why Jericho was so shut up because when people intrude in your life leaving sometype of commotion it's hard to want to open up again. Ive been shut down for 23 years of my life don't want to open up because this is a safe place. Trust me I go to work and close myself in my room reminds me of being locked up when I was young no one can hurt with words, no one can kick you out, you can't get hurt even worst in your room with 4 white walls!I am A dreamer like a woman in a high tower waiting for someone to come rescue me so maybe I could feel protected somewhere. So ill just sit in Jericho like Rahab hoping maybe God will send someone to rescue me from this place but for now sitting behind this wall is safe!

I Believe in Happy Endings! 

Job 42:12-13
So the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses.13 He had also seven sons and three daughters.

be·lieve

accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth of.

Job had a home! Then in oneday he lost his home his family. Everything he had. Talk about heartache at home! Who would want a family when they lose all their family without fear of things changing for the better? Who would think they would ever see better days when bad days seem so long and drawn out? Well I believe in happy endings, The children of ISrael got a better home after leaving Egypt they got a home flowing with milk and honey. Joseph got a better home from the pit to the palace, David got a better home he went from a Shepard to a king, oneday we will be able to go home to heaven ( if you are saved)! A better home I love when I see my little cousin after working for days at a time and I come in and he hugs me. Or seeing my little brother or sisters they hug me. You can feel the love. I believe my home will be a place filled with love. Yes even though my start may have been rough I believe in happy endings. That come with a place to call home!